Denied!

Being denied sucks. When you are denied something it is hard to not take it personal, right? When I was in High School I felt denied a lot. Asking girls to prom, denied. Trying to make the varsity team, denied. Hoping to get the lead in a High School play, denied.

Written all together it can make someone feel as if they are a failure and that denial becomes who we are, it becomes a part of us. We start to see ourselves as the denial. 

Sarah and I have been waiting for over 2 years for what we have been calling, “The Call”. Letting us know that we have been matched with our next baby. Each and every day we do not get a call feels like we are being denied. It feels like the last 2 years are all stamped with DENIED!, in red letters. Like a pass or fail from your teacher.

This last week, those in the Christian faith celebrated Holy week. As I read through the passages I cannot help but see denied stamped throughout the story. That those in the circle of Jesus especially after his death. They felt denied the Messiah they had hoped for, felt denied the leader they hoped him to be was now gone, denied the teacher they had followed. Their Rabboni.

Denied.

Then in John 20 verse 15, Mary is at the tomb, it is empty. She sees who she thinks is the gardener and asks for the body. She has come to honor Jesus by preparing his body, and now she has been denied. In her mind this is the latest in the moments of denial. She has been denied walking with her messiah and now this? Mary asks, maybe begging the gardener do not deny me this last moment. Let me honor him by preparing his body for burial. 

When we live denied, our eyes shift from the promise to something else. Something not worthy of our eyes. Mary lost track of where her eyes were at. And I understand it, she has suffered a massive lost in her life. The One who she has followed and given to has been crucified. Then Jesus calls her name. 

Mary. 

In that moment Jesus is not just calling out her name, he is calling to her heart. He is calling her out of the moment of being denied. It was not about being denied, it is about the delay. Delay to when it was time. Delay to when God was ready to be honored. Delayed to the timing of God. It is hard to understand why God allows us to be delayed into things he has for us. 

Often, sometimes daily, I ask God why he is denying us the chance to get the call for our next baby. Why do our boys have to keep praying the same prayer every meal, “Jesus help us to get a call for a brother and sister.” Why does he keep denying us this answer to prayer?

Maybe for you it is different. Maybe for you it is, God heal me. Nothing. God please heal my marriage. Nothing. God bring my kids back to you. Denied. God help me to forgive those who have hurt me deeply. Still trying to forgive. 

God has had to call my name, Ryan. To help me lift my eyes. Help me see that I have been living in the thought that I am being denied something, that my family is being denied a brother or sister to love. Or in my sons’ case both a brother and sister. 

God is delaying his promise, not denying it. What are you hoping for today? Maybe healing from a broken marriage? Maybe you have been waiting for something, calling out to God and yet nothing. If you feel denied, wait. Keep calling out to Him, keep searching for the heart of God. 

We feel denied because we called out for our mother or father to be healed and they were not.
We feel denied when our calls to help our marriage go unheard.

We feel denied when our child struggles with an illness when we call to God to heal them.

Delayed not denied.

Keep calling out to God, ask him to imprint his desires on your heart. God what do you have for me? At times we do not ask this. We look out for ourselves or we ask God to fit into our plans and our own desires. Reframe the ask.

If God calls your name, like he did for Mary, how will you respond? She responded with Rabboni. Samuel responded with, Here I am. How we respond in the delay is important. 

Ryan.

Here I am Rabonni. 

Delayed but not denied.