The words I am afraid to hear...Happy Father's Day to Zexy Killah

I love being a father, it is right behind being loved by God and being married to Sarah. After Sarah and I were married I was excited to be the guy whose kids ran to him and called him dad. I will admit there are times when I want to change my name from dad to "super awesome and talented guy". Although in a recent search on a name generator website I found that my name is Zexy Killah. Sarah still refuses to call me this but I am working on it.


Maybe that is what I should work on this week while Sarah is gone is to have the boys refer to me as Dad "Zexy Killah". But all that aside, there is one thing that I am terrified I will hear and I am sure that I will hear at some point in the next years. Our family is Transracial through adoption.

"You are not my dad."

Zeke said it in passing this past year and I could feel my heart rip from my chest. I do not think that is what he meant to say, I think at that moment he meant to say something like, "I don't like you, or you are a bad dad" because I had just told him that it was time to go get ready for bed and read a book or two.


I fear for this, I play the words through my mind at times trying to find out how I will react when I hear my kids say this to me. But that moment when he said it, I.Broke. I could feel myself crushed from the inside. I scooped him up and went upstairs. I fell into the rocking chair in the changing room. And I wept while I held him.


Now you have to understand that Zeke is pretty in touch with his emotions and he has a very tender heart. He will be crazy and bouncing off the walls one minute with his brother and the next moment he can be on the floor playing with a little baby in a very gentle way. Zeke started to cry into my chest.


As I held the child who made me a father for the first time, I feared the reality of this happening again. When it happens for real, not just a passing 4 year old saying something, but for real.


I know that it will be in anger or frustration. Maybe he will say it because he is confused or had been teased at school because his family is different than others. Maybe it will happen because some stranger makes a moronic comment about us as a family (It still happens, and yes my kids can hear you).


Now as Father's Day gets closer I am one day closer to hearing the words that I have feared since I heard the words that I longed for more than anything else. How will I react when my kids say those words?


I hope that I scoop them up, walk to a couch or rocking chair and hold them close. Let them cry, let them pour out their fear and anger into my chest while I weep with them. (there must be dirt in the air near my computer, I better have that checked out)


I feel that this is a reflection on what God does for me. There are times when I have yelled, "You are not my Abba" in what I do and say with my life. I may even call those things out to him in a moment of anger or fear. He does not push me out and throw me to the curb, I feel that my Abba scoops me up, finds the nearest chair or couch and holds me close. Letting me weep into His chest at times pounding into it with my fists because of how angry I am at that moment.


I pray that I can react that way with my kids. I fear for that day to come. I do not long for it in the slightest. However when it does come I hope that I hold my kids close and let them pour out their fears and anger.


Happy early Father's Day!!
- Zexy Killah