Denied!

Being denied sucks. When you are denied something it is hard to not take it personal, right? When I was in High School I felt denied a lot. Asking girls to prom, denied. Trying to make the varsity team, denied. Hoping to get the lead in a High School play, denied.

Written all together it can make someone feel as if they are a failure and that denial becomes who we are, it becomes a part of us. We start to see ourselves as the denial. 

Sarah and I have been waiting for over 2 years for what we have been calling, “The Call”. Letting us know that we have been matched with our next baby. Each and every day we do not get a call feels like we are being denied. It feels like the last 2 years are all stamped with DENIED!, in red letters. Like a pass or fail from your teacher.

This last week, those in the Christian faith celebrated Holy week. As I read through the passages I cannot help but see denied stamped throughout the story. That those in the circle of Jesus especially after his death. They felt denied the Messiah they had hoped for, felt denied the leader they hoped him to be was now gone, denied the teacher they had followed. Their Rabboni.

Denied.

Then in John 20 verse 15, Mary is at the tomb, it is empty. She sees who she thinks is the gardener and asks for the body. She has come to honor Jesus by preparing his body, and now she has been denied. In her mind this is the latest in the moments of denial. She has been denied walking with her messiah and now this? Mary asks, maybe begging the gardener do not deny me this last moment. Let me honor him by preparing his body for burial. 

When we live denied, our eyes shift from the promise to something else. Something not worthy of our eyes. Mary lost track of where her eyes were at. And I understand it, she has suffered a massive lost in her life. The One who she has followed and given to has been crucified. Then Jesus calls her name. 

Mary. 

In that moment Jesus is not just calling out her name, he is calling to her heart. He is calling her out of the moment of being denied. It was not about being denied, it is about the delay. Delay to when it was time. Delay to when God was ready to be honored. Delayed to the timing of God. It is hard to understand why God allows us to be delayed into things he has for us. 

Often, sometimes daily, I ask God why he is denying us the chance to get the call for our next baby. Why do our boys have to keep praying the same prayer every meal, “Jesus help us to get a call for a brother and sister.” Why does he keep denying us this answer to prayer?

Maybe for you it is different. Maybe for you it is, God heal me. Nothing. God please heal my marriage. Nothing. God bring my kids back to you. Denied. God help me to forgive those who have hurt me deeply. Still trying to forgive. 

God has had to call my name, Ryan. To help me lift my eyes. Help me see that I have been living in the thought that I am being denied something, that my family is being denied a brother or sister to love. Or in my sons’ case both a brother and sister. 

God is delaying his promise, not denying it. What are you hoping for today? Maybe healing from a broken marriage? Maybe you have been waiting for something, calling out to God and yet nothing. If you feel denied, wait. Keep calling out to Him, keep searching for the heart of God. 

We feel denied because we called out for our mother or father to be healed and they were not.
We feel denied when our calls to help our marriage go unheard.

We feel denied when our child struggles with an illness when we call to God to heal them.

Delayed not denied.

Keep calling out to God, ask him to imprint his desires on your heart. God what do you have for me? At times we do not ask this. We look out for ourselves or we ask God to fit into our plans and our own desires. Reframe the ask.

If God calls your name, like he did for Mary, how will you respond? She responded with Rabboni. Samuel responded with, Here I am. How we respond in the delay is important. 

Ryan.

Here I am Rabonni. 

Delayed but not denied. 

Ride or Die...Heart and Soul

About 4 years ago I was driving around Madrid, IA. I was working in hospice at the time as a Chaplain. On most of my drives I would consume podcasts like they were half price after Easter jelly beans. On this day Dylan sent me a podcast and told me to listen. As I pulled it up on my phone and started to listen it spoke deeply to me. The pastors on the podcast shared about how the two of them started at a church together and how in those early years they decided that them and their families would covenant with each other at that church for life.

I sent Dylan a message after listening to it and asked him if he was in. Are our families going to covenant together here for life. Ride or Die.

He said he was in. Ride or Die. It felt like a natural progression. It was a fit for us.

We talked more in a face to face visit about this and that was it. I came home and told Sarah with tears in my eyes, Ride or Die we are in this for life with the Does.

It was odd, there was no fear in it at all. Joy. Lots of joy. This is something that I had no intentions to step into when we said yes to Marshalltown. But over the first few months that was it, we were in.

Flash forward to this last October, I had been coming to the end of the worst 2-3 month stretch ever in ministry. It was horrible. My relationship with Dylan had gone down hill and I was miserable in ministry. I was feeling isolated. Hurt. I was done. As I sat in my office on my lunch break I typed up my letter of resignation. It was a horrible moment, it was something I never thought I would do, I was was broken.

I sent Dylan a text message asking if he wanted to get together. He met and after a few awkward moments I shared with him my heart. I shared about my brokenness and hurt from the last 2-3 months. But here is the funny thing...as I shared I could see deep brokenness in his face. This was unlike anything I had witnessed before. He shared how he was feeling betrayed that I would not have shared this sooner. He was sorry and apologized for where I was hurting. After deeper conversation I shared with him that I had a letter of resignation ready.

Dylan shared with me that if I gave it to him he was going to refuse it. He told me that we had made a covenant with each other...Ride or Die. That we had to do what we needed to work this out.

Fast forward almost 6 months.

I have been in counseling this past year, working through a lot of stuff. Learning to die to myself and letting God heal in my hurts. The last few weeks have been tough, I preached on 1 Sam 14, and in this passage Jonathan and his armor bearer are going up the side of a mountain for a really tough battle. Jonathan asks his armor bearer are you with me?

The response stopped me in my tracks (mentally), Do all that you have in mind...I am with you heart and soul.

This has been now part of my mantra with him...Ride or Die...heart and soul.

I told a friend of mine from seminary about the covenant, and he shared that he had not heard of something like that before. And that is because it is not for everyone. Honestly it is not for most people. I just know that for our families, that is it. Here and now. Ride or Die.

I do believe that you need someone like this in your life. It might not mean you live in the same town or that you covenant to pastor together forever. Most cannot do that. We are weird.

I have found out that for this covenant to work there can be nothing between us. There has been more tears shed and more hurt over the last 6 months than I can ever remember having in ministry. But each time...when either of us feels down. We have called each other, at some point in the conversation it comes up. Ride or die. We made a covenant with each other, with our families. There have been things I have shared with Dylan about being a dad that I have not shared with anyone other than my wife. Because I know...ride or die, heart and soul.

Ride or Die. Heart and Soul.

Identity

Prove I am not a mistake

I love a good story line in a movie. You give me a good story line and I am hooked and in. Of course one movie that has always had me hooked is the Rocky series. Recently they rebooted the series with the son of Apollo Creed, Adonis. What a cool name right? I have tried to talk Sarah into using this as a name if our next baby is a boy but I digress she is not as on board as I am.

Both of the movies are fraught with amazing storylines. In the first movie we are introduced to Adonis who was adopted as a young kid by Apollo's wife.He has been fighting his whole life to create a name for himself. He fought in juvie when people would mock who his mother was. He fought growing up to make a name for himself, refusing to use the name Creed. At the end of the movie he has been given the chance to have a fight with a title holder looking to make a name for himself before he goes off to prison.

Adonis is looking for his identity. He is looking for who he is. In the final fight he is going toe to toe with the champ (of course he is, right). In a “lump in your throat” moment, in the penultimate round, Adonis gets hit and goes down and is knocked out cold. His mother is at home and she stands up screaming. His girlfriend in the crowd starts to scream at him to get up. Rocky is in his corner and is yelling out to him. I get emotional just writing about this.

As he hits the canvas his whole life is flashing before his eyes. He flashes back to the first moment when he met his mom in juvie, his mind brings back Rocky struggling through chemo treatment, his girlfriend locking him out of her life, and a moment of his father fighting of which he has watched probably hundreds of times. All fades away as he comes roaring to reality and back to life. He gets back up, the ref checks his gloves and he finishes the round getting hit time after time.

As he gets to his corner, one of his eyes is now completely closed and the other is nearly closed. Rocky tosses water in his face trying to wake him up. Rocky tells him that he is going to stop this fight, if you have followed the franchise Rocky did not throw in the towel when Apollo fought the Russian and it cost Apollo his life. Rocky is not going to let this happen again.

This has now hit home for Rocky, it is not just another fight.

Adonis pleads with him, “please don’t let me finish, I gotta prove it.”

Rocky, “prove what?”

Adonis, “That I am not a mistake.”

WOW. Heart rip out for moment Rocky and Adonis...and us.

Adonis has been chasing his identity his whole life. He has been running from the idea that he is a mistake.

This is me.

Rob Reimer shares that the power of the lie is in our agreement with it.

Adonis for so long wanted to believe that he was not just some mistake that happened. Now I know that I am not a mistake, but I believe the lie of where my identity is located. In Ephesians 4 Paul urges us to live a life “worthy” of our calling. He calls us to live a life worthy of our identity, worthy of who we have been created to be. He has called me, he has called you. 

Paul calls us to live a life “where your identity shapes your destiny, where who you are permeates how you live. If you only believe what God believes about you, it would revolutionize the way you live.” - Rob Reimer

That is the power of a Creed right hook. That is the power of the endurance of going toe to toe with a prize fighter.

God has called me to live in his identity for me. How he sees me. Stop dropping my head, eyes up. I have to tell myself often, stop dropping your head, lift it up. God created you for something greater.

‘

Rocky says you are going to do this because of your identity, “because you are a CREED!”

We often hear these words, “you are not good enough for God’s love. Do you think that He will actually forgive you again? He does not want to hear from you.”

Separate. Isolate. Destroy. ALL LIES!

You have nothing to prove to God. You do not have to prove your a not a mistake. You do not have to prove that the last few years of your life are a mistake. 

You MUST hold on to the truth, precisely at the moment that the lie is vying for a position in your heart and in your soul and in your behaviors. - Rob Reimer, Soul Care

I think that my identity is in flux. It is never in flux. Not to God.

In the final 15 seconds of the fight, the fight commentator says this, “Creed spins and puts the champ in the corner, throwing body shots like he is Rocky Balboa, going upstairs like he is Apollo Creed.” And Creed knocks the champ to the canvas for the first time in his career.

What would be said of us if we lived out our identity like this? If we went to the body of our enemy like Jesus did in the wilderness? If we went up top like God has done for us against the enemy when we are attacked?

Rocky says you are going to get up and fight. Fight with your identity, because you are a CREED!

Hold onto your identity Ryan, because you are MY SON! You are a CHILD OF GOD! Can you feel that? Can you live in that identity? Live worthy of the identity you have been called to.

Your Field of Lentils

I have always dreamt that I would have this really bold major moment of my life. Something that would show, man he is what I want to be like. But unfortunately my greatest moment has been boldly wearing pink pants with navy blazer...not quite mighty man status.

There is a story in 2 Samuel 23, of a man by the name of Shammah. If Hollywood tried to come up with stories of mighty men we would think that his story was absurd. I wish that I could have been his friend. Maybe he would have let me carry his sword or shield? The story of Shammah is one that is ripped out of Hollywood. There is a massive battle between two armies and in the middle is a field of lentils. There he is standing in front of his men ready to do battle. He is probably holding his sword facing the enemy. He can see the enemy on the other side of the field. The lentils are waving back and forth in the breeze. This moment is frozen in time. Silence.

As he raises his sword, he starts to march into the field of lentils. The enemy charges he drops the sword letting his men know it is time to move forward. Shammah has been in multiple battles he has healed scars on his arms to prove the battles. As he plants his feet into the ground he swings the sword and shield in active warrior position. He is fighting for his people. 

Can you hear his warrior scream? I can hear the battle cry from Shammah as he wages war around him. I can feel his battle cry. With every strike of his sword. The war rages around him, yet in his mind the battle is in slow motion, he can see the next moves before they are there. 

As the battle rages on around him, his feet firmly planted, Shammah is starting to take the ground around him. He continues to fight, not giving up an inch of ground to those around him. The battle turns and the enemy, one of the most hated people, the Philistine army, start to flee. He has beat them back and the field of lentils has been won. As Shammah looks around he is alone. All of his army has fled. He sees the dead Philistine army around him lying there. Now realizing he has been fighting alone. He is a lone warrior on the battlefield, or is he?

This passage if flooded with emotion and passion. 

This passage has been screaming out to me a lot over the last few weeks. I cannot get away from it. I have felt as if Sarah and I have been standing in a field of lentils fighting for 2 years, waiting and calling out for our next adoption. 

We have shared with many people from time to time about these emotions and they prayed for us in that moment and often after that. This week I called upon a few people asking them to stand with us in this field of lentils as we wait for this moment. The moment that we get a call. THE CALL.

There are times in our lives when we feel as if we are fighting alone in a field of lentils for our lives. There was supposed to be someone by our side fighting with us but they have ran off. We become exhausted because the battle is not won by those who give up. The battle is won by those who fight even when exhausted. In the story before there is a warrior by the name of Eleazar has been fighting so hard and for so long he hand was too tired to lift his sword. I have felt that was for a while now. Too tired to even lift my sword and fight.

Maybe today you are standing in the field of lentils fighting. You feel as if you were not supposed to fight alone but you feel alone far too often. But here is the amazing this. At the end of verse 12 it says this, “So the Lord brought about a great victory.” Shammah held his ground in the middle of the field of lentils. Don’t be like those other Israelites and flea and run when the battle starts. Shammah is in the battle with the Lord by his side. Even though physically he is alone he is not truly alone.

Like Shammah, I am standing my ground in the field of lentils, because the battle is not won when we flea. The battle is won when we stand firm in the middle, when it is all raging around us. 

Where are your feet pointed? Point your feet towards the battle, bend your knees. Hold your sword, ready to fight. There are moments you need to call on others to join you. There are those ready to fight with you. Maybe you are not in a battle at this moment, be ready someone may need you to fight with them.

So the LORD brought about a great VICTORY.

Millenials...what do we do with them?

I hear this all the time...ALL THE TIME!! It is either this thought or the thought comes through that they are spoiled and entitled, usually together.

"These millennial's have no idea what work really is. How is the world going to function with them in society?"

The church leaders that I have come in contact with use these same words. So we are not immune to the negative cat calls that we are throwing out at a whole generation of young adults.


Are there people in the millennial generation that are entitled, of course, however to be fair this is with every generation. Unfortunately we look at our own generation with rose colored glasses, we do not see what was really there because the generation after us is the worst of all time, THEY did not have to deal with what I went through.

Mennenials are not entitled they are impatient.- Dr. Carl Stevens

I really love this thought from Dr. Stevens. Looking at this idea it comes off in two ways. 1. The generation that is here chomping at the bit, and is ready to impact the community where they live and work. 2. What will we as a church do to help impact this generation that wants to make a huge  impact?


Looking around there is a generation of people that are seeing the world through different lenses that I may. They can see people and their communities in a way that I would not have thought of yet, and they are really, I mean REALLY talented. Most of this generation that I have worked with or had meals with are passionate about something greater than themselves. They are looking for a place to use their talents and energy into something that is beyond themselves. This can seem that they are entitled because they want to take down the top of the mountain before taking the first step.


In college I remember being that way. Wanting to do was to preach and teach. Wanting to find a church that would take a risk on me and walking through sermon prep and guide me as I used what God had given me. There are always a few churches, usually small ones that were willing to allow people to test out our skills and passions on them. Those poor churches never stood a chance with pastors like this. Looking back I wonder what they thought of all those "young" preachers coming through, nervous and shaking, unsure of who they are and what they were doing. Bless them for allowing these "entitled" preachers to want to be in the pulpit.


Restore has been finding more and more "entitled impatient millennials" coming through the doors each week. Seeing the passion in their lives, seeing that they are so impatient to use what they have. If we do not capture this passion and amazing abilities, they are going to go somewhere else to find someone that will see their impatience and throw it into something greater for their communities.


At Restore our theme is that " We are a church for the rest of us", what does this mean for OUR millennial generation that has come to us. That has placed themselves at Restore and want to be used. At Restore we want to help ALL people find what God has gifted them with and place it in an area that will impact Marshalltown.


At Restore:

• We are gospel Catalyst
• We Worship Passionately
• We Celebrate Kids
• We LOVE Marshalltown

We believe that God has something great for all of us. This post is calling out only ONE generation, however I am doing that because so many people ALL over pull this generation down. I am calling out to the millennials that are in my community. We want to help you become Gospel Catalyst and love your city. Letting God work in you and through you. YOU are not an entitled generation, it drives me crazy to have the click bait or the media drive the nails into your coffin without giving you a fair shake.


Churches send us your millennial generation, if you do not want to build into them. Leaders, we need to STOP, throwing this generation under the bus.


This millennial generation is so talented, they see things that I cannot see right way. They want the whole mountain, and they want it now. The mountain they want? Is to impact the community that they are in. Using as many people that we can to impact OUR community. Millennials included. We at Restore love Marshalltown.

The words I am afraid to hear...Happy Father's Day to Zexy Killah

I love being a father, it is right behind being loved by God and being married to Sarah. After Sarah and I were married I was excited to be the guy whose kids ran to him and called him dad. I will admit there are times when I want to change my name from dad to "super awesome and talented guy". Although in a recent search on a name generator website I found that my name is Zexy Killah. Sarah still refuses to call me this but I am working on it.


Maybe that is what I should work on this week while Sarah is gone is to have the boys refer to me as Dad "Zexy Killah". But all that aside, there is one thing that I am terrified I will hear and I am sure that I will hear at some point in the next years. Our family is Transracial through adoption.

"You are not my dad."

Zeke said it in passing this past year and I could feel my heart rip from my chest. I do not think that is what he meant to say, I think at that moment he meant to say something like, "I don't like you, or you are a bad dad" because I had just told him that it was time to go get ready for bed and read a book or two.


I fear for this, I play the words through my mind at times trying to find out how I will react when I hear my kids say this to me. But that moment when he said it, I.Broke. I could feel myself crushed from the inside. I scooped him up and went upstairs. I fell into the rocking chair in the changing room. And I wept while I held him.


Now you have to understand that Zeke is pretty in touch with his emotions and he has a very tender heart. He will be crazy and bouncing off the walls one minute with his brother and the next moment he can be on the floor playing with a little baby in a very gentle way. Zeke started to cry into my chest.


As I held the child who made me a father for the first time, I feared the reality of this happening again. When it happens for real, not just a passing 4 year old saying something, but for real.


I know that it will be in anger or frustration. Maybe he will say it because he is confused or had been teased at school because his family is different than others. Maybe it will happen because some stranger makes a moronic comment about us as a family (It still happens, and yes my kids can hear you).


Now as Father's Day gets closer I am one day closer to hearing the words that I have feared since I heard the words that I longed for more than anything else. How will I react when my kids say those words?


I hope that I scoop them up, walk to a couch or rocking chair and hold them close. Let them cry, let them pour out their fear and anger into my chest while I weep with them. (there must be dirt in the air near my computer, I better have that checked out)


I feel that this is a reflection on what God does for me. There are times when I have yelled, "You are not my Abba" in what I do and say with my life. I may even call those things out to him in a moment of anger or fear. He does not push me out and throw me to the curb, I feel that my Abba scoops me up, finds the nearest chair or couch and holds me close. Letting me weep into His chest at times pounding into it with my fists because of how angry I am at that moment.


I pray that I can react that way with my kids. I fear for that day to come. I do not long for it in the slightest. However when it does come I hope that I hold my kids close and let them pour out their fears and anger.


Happy early Father's Day!!
- Zexy Killah

The big ask...holding back nothing.

Often this is how I feel when I am trying to ask for something big from God. I dance around the real thing that I want from God. A little over 2 years ago I was challenged in a life group that I was in. Our leader Pete shared that his challenge for us this week was not to ask God for things that were small but to really go after and ask for what we wanted God to do in our lives.

"I wanted God to do something big but I was terrified He would actually do it."

In the picture above my son is dancing to the Beach Boys "Barbara Ann". They love when I put the old vinyl on. You see they go all out when the songs comes on, I wonder why they are so into it? Part of it is that they are kids and they go all out in most of what they do. In my life in November 2014 I wanted God to do something. I wanted God to do something big in our lives but I was terrified He would actually do it.

I know that for me fear is one thing that holds me back from really going after what I know God has called me to. For a long time in my life this was how I felt:

It used to be that I never felt safe with myself unless I was performing flawlessly. Unwittingly I had projected onto God my feelings about myself. I felt safe with Him only when I saw myself as noble, generous, and loving, without scars, fears, or tears. Perfect! -Brennan Manning

For the longest time I felt as if I had to have it all together to go after the BIG ask from God. November of 2014 Sarah and I were asked to leave all that we knew in Minnesota and move to a town in Marshaltown, IA to help plant a church. At that time were were also in the waiting process to be matched with a baby (who turned out to be our youngest). So my big asks were this: God I need you to either send us to Marshalltown or leave us here and have us matched with a baby by Christmas (about a month). 

In that month of asking BIG, God provided a job opening near Marshalltown and matched and placed a little boy in our arms. 

What is your BIG ask? 

Maybe you are having some tough times in your personal faith? Maybe you are feeling as if you do not matter to God? 

In my life we have a few big asks right now. 

At Restore we have some really big asks that we are praying for. 

I want to challenge you to call out for at least 1 big ask this summer with me. What will you write down and pray for each day? What happens if God wants to answer your prayers and he is just waiting for you to ask BIG of him?