Yesterday afternoon 11/12/14, I submitted my final papers for my final Mdiv class. I was trying to remember the date I wrote my first paper but could not so I went back to see when it was. On May 16th 2011 at 8:53pm I wrote and saved my first paper. So around three and a half years later I have finished the race that I set out to start. The first semester was not all that bad it was a fun class and I was getting to know so many people. However I remember looking around the room to see who was in there. As I looked to my left and right and listened to the people share and talk I was starting to get the sinking feeling that I was WAY out of my league here.
On my left was a guy by the name of Jack McClelland he was so smart and I was doing all that I could to keep pace with him. He shared his background and who he was, what he wanted to get out of the experience, and that he was excited to be there. As the week went on I was in awe of Jack and how much knowledge he had and how well he spoke. One thing that stuck out to me that first week was that he acted like he wanted to be my friend, even though I was shy.
Two people down on my right was a guy by the name of Adam Kline. He was from Canada, eh! If I thought Jack was brilliant Adam was right there with him step for step. I was slowly sinking down into my seat knowing that I was way out of my game and comfort zone. I felt like I was back in college swimming in the deep water doing all I could to keep treading water, trying not to drown.
Being in the room with these two guys made me understand how far I needed to go and yet I was drawn to them because of the wisdom and knowledge that they had. I would write down things that they would say and bounce questions at them when I did not feel like a scared kid, lost in the cornfields of my family farm.
I would come to find out that these two guys, along with another friend that joined us later in our journey, would become as close as brothers to me. Walking with each other when we maybe wanted to give up on school, church life, and were worn from the journey.
Jay was that other guy. He was from an earlier cohort and was such a blessing to me. He has encouraged me and taught me how to learn to listen to what God has. I know that he has such a heart for people that he works with. I am glad that God brought him to our group even if he had to wait to graduate.
During that same week, we were introduced to our professors that would be teaching the courses during the semester. Two of the people stood out to me and helped confirm I was in the right place. Sarah and I were in the beginning stages of adoption and when Dr. Schmidt and Dr. Arn shared their lives to us in class it was as if they were sharing only to me. I remember feeling like both of them were sitting down with me speaking right at my heart, letting me know that I was on the right path.
Now at the end of this journey, three and a half years later. 75 credit hours of classes. I have finished...I will graduate with my Mdiv with a specialization in Church Revitalization. I get to help churches that want something fresh from God. I get to help churches dream again. Churches that at one time had a vision and mission for lost people in their community.
I miss my brothers. I miss being online with them. I will miss seeing them on campus, eating meals with them, seeing them face to face and hearing their hearts for God and the lost. Seeing the pain and triumph in their eyes as they share their hearts with the group.I know that we are praying for each other and watching where God is taking us.
I have come to learn that the mark of a great church, school, seminary or whatever, is when you are willing to refer someone there. I can say without a doubt that I would recommend my journey to others. It was not always easy but it was great!!!
I have finished...but now I get to start New Day Consulting...Here we go!
Ryan Trosen
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
Round #2
As many of you know we are in the waiting stage for round 2 of our adoption. I say this because we are not sure yet what gender or how many babies we will be placed with. This is a really happy, yet uneasy stage for us. I guess the closest thing that I can relate it to would be to be pregnant and yet not know when the due date will be. At some point we will disappear for 7-10 days only to reappear with a larger family.
A few months ago a newsletter from an adoption grant agency came out. They put out a few letters each year and they ask adoptive families to write about their experience. We wrote a piece for it and it was well received. I will post it later. So a few months later another family wrote an article and it went straight to my heart. It broke me down because it was what I will be living in just a few years. The story is about a transracial family with an adopted teenage African American son.
The mother shared her heart and what it is like to watch her son deal with things her other children did not have to deal with or she had to deal with. A few days later I was talking with my father about, I do not remember what. He asked if we had read the article, I told him I had. He shared with me that he had never thought of life being like this. He shared that he could not imagine what it would be like to be with his grandsons in a store to have one treated like that and the other left alone.
I wish that it was more like this. People not seeing color just children, however this is not what it is like. I have had people tell me that it is just in my mind that my family is treated different (negative) at times than other families. Zeke and I were at a local fast food restaurant a few weeks ago. While we were sitting there he started to waive and smile at some of the people near him. He was munching on his fries and burger/chicken strips having a great time with daddy.
Two ladies were sitting right next to us and when Zeke waived to say hi they made eye contact and turned away. Now I know that at times when a child is acting out we ignore them for the sanity of the parents. He was not acting out he was just smiling saying hi and waiving. However these ladies ignored him because of our situation. Just a few moments later a child and his parents (all white) sitting near us had the same interaction with these ladies however they took the time to smile at this family and wave back.
I am not sure if Zeke understood yet what was going on. He just saw someone he wanted to say hi too and was not returned with favor. I looked at Zeke and told him that it is not worth waiving to some people. But that he was a nice boy saying hi to people.
Inside I was so angry and near tears. My thoughts raced back to the article that this mother had written and some of the same emotions flooded back. I wanted to fire this story right away on my blog but waited so that I would not say things that I would regret even though only one or two people even read this anyway.
I do not tell you the story to gain sympathy nor do I tell it to have people run with fear from transracial adoption. I tell you this story because for me (white dad and African American son) it is all to real too often. All parenting has difficult times and difficult moments, this is ours.
I do what I can to not allow the fear of the future stand in the way of my joy today. I cannot tell you of all the love that we have received and kind words that are said. God is amazing and he loves to create stories of families healed and families brought together.
People approaching us to tell us how beautiful we are and that we look very happy as a family. People feeling free to ask tough but fair questions about our path. I love being a Transracial family and we defiantly stand out when we go for walks with a talkative/loving little boy and two insane doxies. I would not have it any other way, God has placed our family together and it is just the best.
I cannot wait for round #2 to be complete and see who God has already chosen for our family. He made a great pick the first time around, I am more than sure that he will do a great job again.
Thanks for following-
RT
P.S. Here is an article Sarah found early this week kinda on this topic. Take a moment to read it through it you have time.
A few months ago a newsletter from an adoption grant agency came out. They put out a few letters each year and they ask adoptive families to write about their experience. We wrote a piece for it and it was well received. I will post it later. So a few months later another family wrote an article and it went straight to my heart. It broke me down because it was what I will be living in just a few years. The story is about a transracial family with an adopted teenage African American son.
The mother shared her heart and what it is like to watch her son deal with things her other children did not have to deal with or she had to deal with. A few days later I was talking with my father about, I do not remember what. He asked if we had read the article, I told him I had. He shared with me that he had never thought of life being like this. He shared that he could not imagine what it would be like to be with his grandsons in a store to have one treated like that and the other left alone.
I wish that it was more like this. People not seeing color just children, however this is not what it is like. I have had people tell me that it is just in my mind that my family is treated different (negative) at times than other families. Zeke and I were at a local fast food restaurant a few weeks ago. While we were sitting there he started to waive and smile at some of the people near him. He was munching on his fries and burger/chicken strips having a great time with daddy.
Two ladies were sitting right next to us and when Zeke waived to say hi they made eye contact and turned away. Now I know that at times when a child is acting out we ignore them for the sanity of the parents. He was not acting out he was just smiling saying hi and waiving. However these ladies ignored him because of our situation. Just a few moments later a child and his parents (all white) sitting near us had the same interaction with these ladies however they took the time to smile at this family and wave back.
I am not sure if Zeke understood yet what was going on. He just saw someone he wanted to say hi too and was not returned with favor. I looked at Zeke and told him that it is not worth waiving to some people. But that he was a nice boy saying hi to people.
Inside I was so angry and near tears. My thoughts raced back to the article that this mother had written and some of the same emotions flooded back. I wanted to fire this story right away on my blog but waited so that I would not say things that I would regret even though only one or two people even read this anyway.
I do not tell you the story to gain sympathy nor do I tell it to have people run with fear from transracial adoption. I tell you this story because for me (white dad and African American son) it is all to real too often. All parenting has difficult times and difficult moments, this is ours.
I do what I can to not allow the fear of the future stand in the way of my joy today. I cannot tell you of all the love that we have received and kind words that are said. God is amazing and he loves to create stories of families healed and families brought together.
People approaching us to tell us how beautiful we are and that we look very happy as a family. People feeling free to ask tough but fair questions about our path. I love being a Transracial family and we defiantly stand out when we go for walks with a talkative/loving little boy and two insane doxies. I would not have it any other way, God has placed our family together and it is just the best.
I cannot wait for round #2 to be complete and see who God has already chosen for our family. He made a great pick the first time around, I am more than sure that he will do a great job again.
Thanks for following-
RT
P.S. Here is an article Sarah found early this week kinda on this topic. Take a moment to read it through it you have time.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Thankful for Birthmothers today...
Two years ago we received a call that changed our lives. It was 6:30 am and I was wondering why would someone call so early, they better have a good reason. I cannot think of a better reason then what it was. I hope to be awaken soon with another call just like that. Today I will write in my son's birthday journal for more on that you can click this link and read a guest blog I wrote: Birthday Journal
For today I am thankful for birthmothers that give out of love. Who chose life rather than death. Some claim that "these people" are selfish. Who chose to PLACE not give up their children for adoption. I cannot think of anything more SELFLESS then when they think of a child before themselves. People have made a lot of odd, mean, and downright stupid comments to us in the past two years. I am sure that much of it is based out of ignorance or the idea that they want to know more but do not know what to ask. One thing that people will say is how lucky our son is to have us. I think what they mean to say is "how great God is that he would match us up."
For to say that someone in our situation is lucky displaces God. It puts God is a place that he does not deserve to be in. That He does not have any baring on what happens in my life. Jeremiah 1:5 talks about how "he knew us before he formed us in our mothers womb." That does not seem like chance or luck to me, rather it shows passion and love for someone He created. Mark Zubert, my BWW buddy, shared with us during our first adoption that God had already chosen a child just for us. That is not luck, that is passion and love for his creation.
I will never forget the tears that we cried basically all day on the 28th, two years ago. It was the beginning of a long journey that we had been on and we knew that God had something great for us. Pray for birthmothers today because they need it more than you might know. I have learned that you never know who you will come in contact with so be ready to share your story. One of our friends is a birthmother and we feel a special bond with her. We shared our story with her not knowing what she had been through and getting to know her has been healing for us.
I will write in his journal today with tears and joy. Writing of all the things that we have went through this year, trying to explain as best I can so that one day when he gets it he will know how deep our love has been for him. He will know just how much we prayed for him. He is loved from so many sides. He will know his story.
But today we pray for birthmothers everywhere, but especially ours and our future birthmothers we will have. They have a decision to make that will change lives. Pray that God gives them support all around their decision.
Thanks for reading-
Ryan
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
The Journey Part 2: Show us your glory, send down your presence.
It has been a while since my last post. I was trying as I might to focus on my last full semester. This does not mean that my classes are done, I have four left this summer so it will be busy for us. This has been a great month for us. God has been so good to us. On May 7th our homestudy was official, we had to do a second fingerprinting so it took almost a month longer than it should have.
We finished our first round of fundraiser and are putting the puzzle together. This has been so helpful for us as we pay for the different adoption expenses that come our way. We ask that you keep praying for us as we apply for grants, talk with different agencies, and listen to what God has for us. Please be in prayer for the birth family as they make a enormous decision on where to place their baby. God loves and care for this family and we ask that you pray with us for this family. Many of these mothers are making a few choices adoption, abortion, or parent the child. We pray that as we prepare not only for the next few months of the adoption procedure that you would also be in prayer for the placement, that it would go smoothly and God would be given the glory.
The next step for us in the adoption journey is that we wait for news. We are printing off our paperwork and our photo books to send to adoption agencies in the next weeks. Applying for grants and doing more fundraising. One of the grants that we hope for is a matching grant. We did this last time and we were able to raise almost $7,000. They do not give you an outright grant like others but they tell you that they will match dollar for dollar up to $3,000 and any donation that is given and it is tax deductible for the donaters . This was such a blessing for us last time. Any amount given over the $3,000 will still be given to you it will just not be matched.
Sarah and I were driving home last night, we were using the last of my birthday food coupons. That day I had prepared two different adoption files to go out in the mail and was waiting on three more from different places to gather the stuff again and send it out. As I was driving The song Show me your Glory, by Third Day came on the radio. I welled up a little bit because the thought came over me that we have been seeing the glory of God again during our latest adoption journey. (FYI I caught myself before it got bad, I had the idea that if Sarah caught me crying I would tell her I poked myself in the eye.)
People have given out of themselves and for some they like the widow who had just two pennies do not have much at all. People have meet needs of ours when we had no idea God was preparing something for us. In the next months we are going to need God to show up and show off in our lives. He will need to break into our lives to show us his glory. There are going to be times when we will just spend most of the day crying because of different heartbreak and trials. In those times I pray that God will show us his glory. There will be times when we will have to make a decision in 1 hour if we adopt a certain child or not. In those times I pray that God will show us his glory.
There will be times when we will not be sure we can go any farther because of the heartbreak we see in the face of the birthfamily. In those times we need God to show his glory, and send down his presence more than ever. Then the time will come when we say yes to our future child(ren) and we are parents again to a baby(ies) that God has already chosen before hand for us. In that time we will need God to show us his glory, and be present in our lives. We will get a phone call that we need to come right now to go pick up our newest family member(s), scramble to find flights, find a car, places to stay, and people to care for us. At that point we have caught a glimpse of God's splendor. At that moment we will never be the same again, we will run around like chickens with no heads.
As the song says, I cannot go on without you. That is what is IN THE END. In the end we as a family cannot go anywhere without you. I have been having the song playing on in the background of this song for the last 20 minutes as I type. Since we have started the adoption process I have noticed God has continued to show me that, yes I CAN go on without him, but we do not WANT to go without Him.Why would I?
He created me for something more than that. He created me for relationships and so we thank you over and over for blessing us with your prayers, with kind words, and friendships. I have found out that one never knows why God places people on our hearts. Some of you have sent private messages via text, email, Facebook, twitter, and snail mail. At those moments God has been needed the most.
Thank you for your support. In THOSE times we need God to show his glory and send down his presence.
Ryan
We finished our first round of fundraiser and are putting the puzzle together. This has been so helpful for us as we pay for the different adoption expenses that come our way. We ask that you keep praying for us as we apply for grants, talk with different agencies, and listen to what God has for us. Please be in prayer for the birth family as they make a enormous decision on where to place their baby. God loves and care for this family and we ask that you pray with us for this family. Many of these mothers are making a few choices adoption, abortion, or parent the child. We pray that as we prepare not only for the next few months of the adoption procedure that you would also be in prayer for the placement, that it would go smoothly and God would be given the glory.
The next step for us in the adoption journey is that we wait for news. We are printing off our paperwork and our photo books to send to adoption agencies in the next weeks. Applying for grants and doing more fundraising. One of the grants that we hope for is a matching grant. We did this last time and we were able to raise almost $7,000. They do not give you an outright grant like others but they tell you that they will match dollar for dollar up to $3,000 and any donation that is given and it is tax deductible for the donaters . This was such a blessing for us last time. Any amount given over the $3,000 will still be given to you it will just not be matched.
Sarah and I were driving home last night, we were using the last of my birthday food coupons. That day I had prepared two different adoption files to go out in the mail and was waiting on three more from different places to gather the stuff again and send it out. As I was driving The song Show me your Glory, by Third Day came on the radio. I welled up a little bit because the thought came over me that we have been seeing the glory of God again during our latest adoption journey. (FYI I caught myself before it got bad, I had the idea that if Sarah caught me crying I would tell her I poked myself in the eye.)
People have given out of themselves and for some they like the widow who had just two pennies do not have much at all. People have meet needs of ours when we had no idea God was preparing something for us. In the next months we are going to need God to show up and show off in our lives. He will need to break into our lives to show us his glory. There are going to be times when we will just spend most of the day crying because of different heartbreak and trials. In those times I pray that God will show us his glory. There will be times when we will have to make a decision in 1 hour if we adopt a certain child or not. In those times I pray that God will show us his glory.
There will be times when we will not be sure we can go any farther because of the heartbreak we see in the face of the birthfamily. In those times we need God to show his glory, and send down his presence more than ever. Then the time will come when we say yes to our future child(ren) and we are parents again to a baby(ies) that God has already chosen before hand for us. In that time we will need God to show us his glory, and be present in our lives. We will get a phone call that we need to come right now to go pick up our newest family member(s), scramble to find flights, find a car, places to stay, and people to care for us. At that point we have caught a glimpse of God's splendor. At that moment we will never be the same again, we will run around like chickens with no heads.
As the song says, I cannot go on without you. That is what is IN THE END. In the end we as a family cannot go anywhere without you. I have been having the song playing on in the background of this song for the last 20 minutes as I type. Since we have started the adoption process I have noticed God has continued to show me that, yes I CAN go on without him, but we do not WANT to go without Him.Why would I?
He created me for something more than that. He created me for relationships and so we thank you over and over for blessing us with your prayers, with kind words, and friendships. I have found out that one never knows why God places people on our hearts. Some of you have sent private messages via text, email, Facebook, twitter, and snail mail. At those moments God has been needed the most.
Thank you for your support. In THOSE times we need God to show his glory and send down his presence.
Ryan
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
What is the Journey like Part 3
Post placement/Early months
As hard as the first two parts of this were to write this last one might be the hardest. It is hard because so many people have been kind and caring toward our family during our journey. During our son's stay in the NICU it was so hard and difficult mostly because there was not really an end in sight at times. One of those days had a remarkable ending that only God could put together.
I do not remember the day of the week but I do remember it being one of the more difficult three day stretches that we had in the NICU. It was not that our son was sick or doing bad it was a combination of him being in there, us missing home, and all the adoption stuff that drives you crazy. As we were leaving I looked over I could tell that Sarah had a particularly bad day. We got into the car and drove back very quite. Sarah said that she was going to go to the room if I would go to the lobby for plates and silverware. She hit the elevator before I did and as I was waiting there a lady came to get on with me. We smiled at each other and she told me that I had the right idea in having food here rather than ordering out. I smiled and told her that we were here from out of town picking up our son. She smiled and I am sure she could tell I was tired and worn down. We got on the elevator and she shared that she had adopted her daughter from overseas.
I will never forget what she did and said next. It still makes me cry thinking about it. She looked me in the eyes and said that when she got her daughter they had to wait 3 months before they could go pick her up. She said that it was such a struggle to wait for her and that all adoptive families will struggle and today, now, this was ours. She told me that she would be praying for us. She asked our name so she could pray for us. Now I ask you, what are the chances that in a 7 story hotel that a lady would get on at the same time as me, ride to the same floor, and speak love and grace into broken hearts like ours? I tell you that they are pretty good when you serve a God that cares and loves for you. That is just one of the stories that we remember from our time in the NICU in which God showed up and showed off for his people.
After we left the hospital and started home it has been something that I have really enjoyed. The craziness of flying with a two week old and having two guys sitting next to us, and that one had been adopted and was from Staples, MN (right near where my family was from) and the other that had adopted, not taking no for an answer and carrying our stuff off the plane for us when we got to MN. These were small things when you look back but at the time when you have never had a child, never flown with a newborn, and are still out of your own in having been on the road for two weeks it means the world to you.
In some states you have a window of time in which the BM of BF can decide to parent. We were lucky and our BM chose to go with Utah law which is only 24 hours after birth and termination at the time of signing. This was a blessing for us because we did not have this hanging over us once we got home. We were able to learn to be a family together.
Home
Being a father for the first time was something that I will never forget. But there were times where I/we would get odd looks (some say it was my beard). It took almost 1 full year of being a family before a stranger commented towards my son and I in a positive way. A lady came up to me when I was at a grocery store with my son. She told me how beautiful he was and how happy we looked together. We chatted for a moment and then we went on our way. I guess as a father I was unaware of how we would be looked at till we were there. I think that for some people it is just a point of not knowing or being ignorant of what it is like. I love to share our story with people because it is a story of how God loves his people and loves to create our families if we let him. Whether it is biological creation or adoptive creation I suggest you allow God to be the one to guide you.
These three posts have been much longer than what I had thought they would be but I hope that God will use our story to help write yours.
As hard as the first two parts of this were to write this last one might be the hardest. It is hard because so many people have been kind and caring toward our family during our journey. During our son's stay in the NICU it was so hard and difficult mostly because there was not really an end in sight at times. One of those days had a remarkable ending that only God could put together.
I do not remember the day of the week but I do remember it being one of the more difficult three day stretches that we had in the NICU. It was not that our son was sick or doing bad it was a combination of him being in there, us missing home, and all the adoption stuff that drives you crazy. As we were leaving I looked over I could tell that Sarah had a particularly bad day. We got into the car and drove back very quite. Sarah said that she was going to go to the room if I would go to the lobby for plates and silverware. She hit the elevator before I did and as I was waiting there a lady came to get on with me. We smiled at each other and she told me that I had the right idea in having food here rather than ordering out. I smiled and told her that we were here from out of town picking up our son. She smiled and I am sure she could tell I was tired and worn down. We got on the elevator and she shared that she had adopted her daughter from overseas.
I will never forget what she did and said next. It still makes me cry thinking about it. She looked me in the eyes and said that when she got her daughter they had to wait 3 months before they could go pick her up. She said that it was such a struggle to wait for her and that all adoptive families will struggle and today, now, this was ours. She told me that she would be praying for us. She asked our name so she could pray for us. Now I ask you, what are the chances that in a 7 story hotel that a lady would get on at the same time as me, ride to the same floor, and speak love and grace into broken hearts like ours? I tell you that they are pretty good when you serve a God that cares and loves for you. That is just one of the stories that we remember from our time in the NICU in which God showed up and showed off for his people.
After we left the hospital and started home it has been something that I have really enjoyed. The craziness of flying with a two week old and having two guys sitting next to us, and that one had been adopted and was from Staples, MN (right near where my family was from) and the other that had adopted, not taking no for an answer and carrying our stuff off the plane for us when we got to MN. These were small things when you look back but at the time when you have never had a child, never flown with a newborn, and are still out of your own in having been on the road for two weeks it means the world to you.
In some states you have a window of time in which the BM of BF can decide to parent. We were lucky and our BM chose to go with Utah law which is only 24 hours after birth and termination at the time of signing. This was a blessing for us because we did not have this hanging over us once we got home. We were able to learn to be a family together.
Home
Being a father for the first time was something that I will never forget. But there were times where I/we would get odd looks (some say it was my beard). It took almost 1 full year of being a family before a stranger commented towards my son and I in a positive way. A lady came up to me when I was at a grocery store with my son. She told me how beautiful he was and how happy we looked together. We chatted for a moment and then we went on our way. I guess as a father I was unaware of how we would be looked at till we were there. I think that for some people it is just a point of not knowing or being ignorant of what it is like. I love to share our story with people because it is a story of how God loves his people and loves to create our families if we let him. Whether it is biological creation or adoptive creation I suggest you allow God to be the one to guide you.
These three posts have been much longer than what I had thought they would be but I hope that God will use our story to help write yours.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
What is the Journey like? Part 2
Getting Matched and Meeting the Child
I was not sure how to react to this. I talked with a few people that had adopted and asked them how this was for them. You are placing yourself out there hoping that you are good enough. Will they like me? What if I say the wrong thing? These are thoughts that are running through my head. For us we looked at so many situations, some of them we were very close to saying yes to but in the end we did not feel the peace of God allowing us to move forward.
The first situation we said yes to the birthmother that was from Georgia. She was due to have a boy at the end of June. I cannot tell you exactly why we said yes to have our profile shown to her but I can say that there was a peace in the situation. Something was there and calm for us and we knew that we were free to say yes. That was on a Friday morning and we were told that we should hear something by Monday either way. The birthmother was going to be shown 6 families in total and so we knew that at least we were one of 6 families that had a chance to be the forever family for this little boy.
I do not remember the time on that Monday that we got the call but I remember that my heart sank. All weekend we had been thinking of names and looking at flight information and hotel stuff. But we got a call that Monday letting us know that she had chosen someone else. The one thing that we did not want to happen was to get to high or to low on any one case. But it was the first time we had said yes and so it was a little heart breaking to say the least. We went about our day like normal we received another one or two situations over the next two days.
The Call
It was a Wednesday around 5 or so. Sarah had just gotten off of work and I did not have youth group that night as I had decided months ago that we would have it as a off week. My phone rang and as I looked to pick it up I noticed it was the case worker from Utah that we had been working with. I answered the phone and after hello's were exchanged she told us that we had been picked by the BM. I will not go into the details but she asked us if we would be open to an interview with her. We agreed and hung up the phone. What had just happened?
Later that night as we sat on the couch waiting for the phone to ring I was wondering what we would talk about? This is a person that is trying to decide if you should adopt their child. No matter what someone says BM love their children more than anyone can imagine. Some people will tear her down and destroy her for placing her child up for adoption. But this is love more than some parents every give their child. The phone rang...am I going to be a father to this child? Part way through the conversation of getting to know each other and sharing about our families she asked us if we knew her baby was a boy. We said yes that we did know. She then asked if we had picked out any names yet. We told her that we had four names picked out two boys and two girl names. She asked us if we would be willing share our boy names with her. We told her that we were looking at Ezekiel Herman, Herman after my grandfather who had past away and Titus Allen. It was almost like you could hear her smile on the phone. She said that she had been thinking of the name Ezekiel as well and really liked it.
Stunned is to small of a word to describe how we felt. What are the chances that of all the names that could be chosen for a boy that two people would have that as their top name? All I know is that it was a God thing for us. Sarah and I both started to smile and if I remember right one of us or both of us started to cry a little. Towards the end of the conversation it started to tail off. Then she asked her case worker, I am not sure how this goes now? And her case worker said it is up to you. OK she said. Ryan and Sarah would you like to adopt my little boy. AHHHHH!!! The tears started to flow and we said yes. We set up another phone call for after her next check up. We hung up the phone and just hugged each other. After all the wait we were going to be a family with a child. We called our parents and family. And others cried and rejoiced with us as we shared the news with them over the next few days and weeks.
Our son was supposed to be born at the end of June and so we started to get things ready. From getting the crib put together and his room all set up and then packing his diaper bag. During this time there was this little feeling in the back of my mind that there is a chance that she could chose to parent the child. If she did we would be back to the beginning and our hearts which had started to bond with this child would be broken.
The Sunday before Memorial day in 2012 Sarah decided to pack the travel diaper bag just to have it ready. I told her that she was crazy because we had a month to get it ready. The next morning around 6:30 my phone rang. I wondered who was calling me that early, I did not recognize the number but answered it anyway. It was a case worker with the Utah adoption agency letting us know that our BM had gone into labor and was at the hospital. Sarah says that I said, "Are you serious" and that was when she knew he was coming. We raced to get tickets, a car, a hotel, and a ride to the airport all in 4 hours or and pack for either 7 days or 2 weeks. It ended up being 17 nights in the hotel.
We arrived at the hospital just about an hour after he had been born. We raced around the hospital looking for him and the BM. We found the BM and her family and they brought us to where he was at. I can remember falling in love with him again the moment we saw him for the first time. It was nothing like I had ever experienced and it is hard to explain. Over the next 17 days we had so many ups and downs but through the whole experience God was there with us.
It was day three or four of being down there, Zeke had been moved to the NICU because of some of the things going on. It was our first day of it just being the three of us. Sarah and I went out to have lunch and sat down at a deli down the street from the hospital. Sitting there looking at my food it was the first time that I remember it hitting me that I was a father. I was responsible for a child. I stared to tear up and would not look at Sarah for a moment. She of course saw what was happening and she started to cry as well. That was it, the first time I knew I was a father. After the struggles we had been through and the struggles we were going to be going through I knew right there that I was a father and my life would never be the same.
Again I want to say that each story is different...Bur the author of our stories is the same. We chose to step out and allow God to write our story the one that he wanted to the whole time, we just had to allow him to do it. This is part of the story but it is not the whole story. When we left the hotel....
I was not sure how to react to this. I talked with a few people that had adopted and asked them how this was for them. You are placing yourself out there hoping that you are good enough. Will they like me? What if I say the wrong thing? These are thoughts that are running through my head. For us we looked at so many situations, some of them we were very close to saying yes to but in the end we did not feel the peace of God allowing us to move forward.
The first situation we said yes to the birthmother that was from Georgia. She was due to have a boy at the end of June. I cannot tell you exactly why we said yes to have our profile shown to her but I can say that there was a peace in the situation. Something was there and calm for us and we knew that we were free to say yes. That was on a Friday morning and we were told that we should hear something by Monday either way. The birthmother was going to be shown 6 families in total and so we knew that at least we were one of 6 families that had a chance to be the forever family for this little boy.
I do not remember the time on that Monday that we got the call but I remember that my heart sank. All weekend we had been thinking of names and looking at flight information and hotel stuff. But we got a call that Monday letting us know that she had chosen someone else. The one thing that we did not want to happen was to get to high or to low on any one case. But it was the first time we had said yes and so it was a little heart breaking to say the least. We went about our day like normal we received another one or two situations over the next two days.
The Call
It was a Wednesday around 5 or so. Sarah had just gotten off of work and I did not have youth group that night as I had decided months ago that we would have it as a off week. My phone rang and as I looked to pick it up I noticed it was the case worker from Utah that we had been working with. I answered the phone and after hello's were exchanged she told us that we had been picked by the BM. I will not go into the details but she asked us if we would be open to an interview with her. We agreed and hung up the phone. What had just happened?
Later that night as we sat on the couch waiting for the phone to ring I was wondering what we would talk about? This is a person that is trying to decide if you should adopt their child. No matter what someone says BM love their children more than anyone can imagine. Some people will tear her down and destroy her for placing her child up for adoption. But this is love more than some parents every give their child. The phone rang...am I going to be a father to this child? Part way through the conversation of getting to know each other and sharing about our families she asked us if we knew her baby was a boy. We said yes that we did know. She then asked if we had picked out any names yet. We told her that we had four names picked out two boys and two girl names. She asked us if we would be willing share our boy names with her. We told her that we were looking at Ezekiel Herman, Herman after my grandfather who had past away and Titus Allen. It was almost like you could hear her smile on the phone. She said that she had been thinking of the name Ezekiel as well and really liked it.
Stunned is to small of a word to describe how we felt. What are the chances that of all the names that could be chosen for a boy that two people would have that as their top name? All I know is that it was a God thing for us. Sarah and I both started to smile and if I remember right one of us or both of us started to cry a little. Towards the end of the conversation it started to tail off. Then she asked her case worker, I am not sure how this goes now? And her case worker said it is up to you. OK she said. Ryan and Sarah would you like to adopt my little boy. AHHHHH!!! The tears started to flow and we said yes. We set up another phone call for after her next check up. We hung up the phone and just hugged each other. After all the wait we were going to be a family with a child. We called our parents and family. And others cried and rejoiced with us as we shared the news with them over the next few days and weeks.
Our son was supposed to be born at the end of June and so we started to get things ready. From getting the crib put together and his room all set up and then packing his diaper bag. During this time there was this little feeling in the back of my mind that there is a chance that she could chose to parent the child. If she did we would be back to the beginning and our hearts which had started to bond with this child would be broken.
The Sunday before Memorial day in 2012 Sarah decided to pack the travel diaper bag just to have it ready. I told her that she was crazy because we had a month to get it ready. The next morning around 6:30 my phone rang. I wondered who was calling me that early, I did not recognize the number but answered it anyway. It was a case worker with the Utah adoption agency letting us know that our BM had gone into labor and was at the hospital. Sarah says that I said, "Are you serious" and that was when she knew he was coming. We raced to get tickets, a car, a hotel, and a ride to the airport all in 4 hours or and pack for either 7 days or 2 weeks. It ended up being 17 nights in the hotel.
We arrived at the hospital just about an hour after he had been born. We raced around the hospital looking for him and the BM. We found the BM and her family and they brought us to where he was at. I can remember falling in love with him again the moment we saw him for the first time. It was nothing like I had ever experienced and it is hard to explain. Over the next 17 days we had so many ups and downs but through the whole experience God was there with us.
It was day three or four of being down there, Zeke had been moved to the NICU because of some of the things going on. It was our first day of it just being the three of us. Sarah and I went out to have lunch and sat down at a deli down the street from the hospital. Sitting there looking at my food it was the first time that I remember it hitting me that I was a father. I was responsible for a child. I stared to tear up and would not look at Sarah for a moment. She of course saw what was happening and she started to cry as well. That was it, the first time I knew I was a father. After the struggles we had been through and the struggles we were going to be going through I knew right there that I was a father and my life would never be the same.
Again I want to say that each story is different...Bur the author of our stories is the same. We chose to step out and allow God to write our story the one that he wanted to the whole time, we just had to allow him to do it. This is part of the story but it is not the whole story. When we left the hotel....
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
What is the journey like? Part 1
I was asked recently what the journey of adoption was like. There are so many ways that I can tell you about this. One thing that I have noticed is that there is not very much information or background on the story from an adoptive father's perspective. That was hard for me because the books that we read, the blogs that we would read, and the people we talked to many of the sources were written by adoptive mothers.
As I am thinking about how to write this I feel that it would be good to break it down into three areas application/situations, getting matched/meeting the child, and post placement/early months. So here we go, I hope that if you are thinking about adoption this might help or if you know someone who has adopted this might help you understand them a little better.
Application and Situations
Imagine if you are wanting to get pregnant but before you can do this you need to have a background check, submit a application in which you need to tell them about your medical history, financial background, and job situation. Are you good enough? Do you pass all the needed steps in order to be a good parent? Then you have to do a homestudy in which someone comes out to your house looks around and talks to you and your spouse to see how you to interact with each other.
Now I understand why they do this because not all people should adopt. Not that it is an elite club or anything but some people are not wired to adopt a child. Could you imagine though if each parent had to go through this before they were allowed to have a child? When going through this I just would think to myself that this was the process for us to be a family and I wanted to use it as a time for my wife and I to grow stronger and get to know each other better.
So after all is said and done you have a packet given to you that tells you all about yourself and your family. How you would raise a child and how each of you relates to the other. This was very interesting to read through and insightful to have an outsiders view of your marriage and family.
Next is the situation phase and this is fun yet very emotionally draining. Once you have your funds and homestudy completed you can start to receive different potential adoption situations. I remember our first situation that we received it was around 6 in the morning and I had not been up all that long and I checked my email. I had a message that was from our case worker. It was about a child that was going to be born in one week and had not been matched with a family yet. As I scrambled to wake up and run down to talk to Sarah my mind was racing with all that needed to be done. We had to pray it through and seek what God has for us, all in about 3 hours. In the end we said no because we did not feel the peace in it.
So this is what we had going for us for the next 4 months. Waiting for your phone to buzz to say you have a email. You check the email to find that it is a situation detailing another birthmother and her child. We had anywhere from a day to 1 hour to pray it through and sense God's leading. One thing that we decide to do was set up a list of things that were our (as Terri Comfort would say) deal breakers. Things that we knew that if the things were in the paperwork from the birthmother we would say no. For some of the cases that we received it was easier to say no to them but I remember a number of cases that we looked at that really pushed us to the brink of saying yes too. But in the end we did not have a peace from God that would allow us to say yes to them. I remember looking them over and thinking can I father this child?
It remember getting a few different situations and getting really emotional because I started to bond with a child that I was only reading about. I think that this happened because I was reading of a child that was in need of a father. It broke my heart to know that I was saying no to a child that was in need. I did not want to say no to any of the kids and wondered if every time I said no to these children was I saying no to something that God had for us. A friend of mine shared something with me that really broke me and set my heart anew. He said, "Ryan, God has already chosen a child for you. He has just the right child picked out for you." The idea of this put heart at ease as much as it could.
Throughout the next 2 months we kept getting emails and phone calls of potential babies for us to look over. It was in April and I was packing my bags to go on a youth event with our church. We had gotten a few cases over the last two or three weeks that were so close to what we felt God had for us. Sarah made the comment that since I was going to be gone for three days that we better not get the situation God had for us. Of course this is what happened right? On the trip down we received an email of a baby boy in Georgia. Of course my phone did not have any reception so when we stopped my phone start to buzz with calls and text messages from Sarah trying to get a hold of me. As I raced around the campus trying to get coverage long enough to download the paperwork to read over I kept thinking of course this would happen when I am in Kansas and Sarah was home in Minnesota.
After reading it all over, praying about it, and talking it over together we said that we wanted our profile shown to this birthmother. This was the first time that we had ever said yes to any birthmother so we did not know what was going to happen. I remember for the next 5 days or so I could not get this little Georgia boy out of my mind. Names kept coming to mind and it was hard to get things done. What kind of father would I be? Would he love me? Would he bond with us? How would I support Sarah as a new mother? It was like we had taken a pregnancy test and were waiting for the results for the last 4 months. Knowing that the answer was coming but we did not know when. This is part 1 the rest of the story will continue later...
As I am thinking about how to write this I feel that it would be good to break it down into three areas application/situations, getting matched/meeting the child, and post placement/early months. So here we go, I hope that if you are thinking about adoption this might help or if you know someone who has adopted this might help you understand them a little better.
Application and Situations
Imagine if you are wanting to get pregnant but before you can do this you need to have a background check, submit a application in which you need to tell them about your medical history, financial background, and job situation. Are you good enough? Do you pass all the needed steps in order to be a good parent? Then you have to do a homestudy in which someone comes out to your house looks around and talks to you and your spouse to see how you to interact with each other.
Now I understand why they do this because not all people should adopt. Not that it is an elite club or anything but some people are not wired to adopt a child. Could you imagine though if each parent had to go through this before they were allowed to have a child? When going through this I just would think to myself that this was the process for us to be a family and I wanted to use it as a time for my wife and I to grow stronger and get to know each other better.
So after all is said and done you have a packet given to you that tells you all about yourself and your family. How you would raise a child and how each of you relates to the other. This was very interesting to read through and insightful to have an outsiders view of your marriage and family.
Next is the situation phase and this is fun yet very emotionally draining. Once you have your funds and homestudy completed you can start to receive different potential adoption situations. I remember our first situation that we received it was around 6 in the morning and I had not been up all that long and I checked my email. I had a message that was from our case worker. It was about a child that was going to be born in one week and had not been matched with a family yet. As I scrambled to wake up and run down to talk to Sarah my mind was racing with all that needed to be done. We had to pray it through and seek what God has for us, all in about 3 hours. In the end we said no because we did not feel the peace in it.
So this is what we had going for us for the next 4 months. Waiting for your phone to buzz to say you have a email. You check the email to find that it is a situation detailing another birthmother and her child. We had anywhere from a day to 1 hour to pray it through and sense God's leading. One thing that we decide to do was set up a list of things that were our (as Terri Comfort would say) deal breakers. Things that we knew that if the things were in the paperwork from the birthmother we would say no. For some of the cases that we received it was easier to say no to them but I remember a number of cases that we looked at that really pushed us to the brink of saying yes too. But in the end we did not have a peace from God that would allow us to say yes to them. I remember looking them over and thinking can I father this child?
It remember getting a few different situations and getting really emotional because I started to bond with a child that I was only reading about. I think that this happened because I was reading of a child that was in need of a father. It broke my heart to know that I was saying no to a child that was in need. I did not want to say no to any of the kids and wondered if every time I said no to these children was I saying no to something that God had for us. A friend of mine shared something with me that really broke me and set my heart anew. He said, "Ryan, God has already chosen a child for you. He has just the right child picked out for you." The idea of this put heart at ease as much as it could.
Throughout the next 2 months we kept getting emails and phone calls of potential babies for us to look over. It was in April and I was packing my bags to go on a youth event with our church. We had gotten a few cases over the last two or three weeks that were so close to what we felt God had for us. Sarah made the comment that since I was going to be gone for three days that we better not get the situation God had for us. Of course this is what happened right? On the trip down we received an email of a baby boy in Georgia. Of course my phone did not have any reception so when we stopped my phone start to buzz with calls and text messages from Sarah trying to get a hold of me. As I raced around the campus trying to get coverage long enough to download the paperwork to read over I kept thinking of course this would happen when I am in Kansas and Sarah was home in Minnesota.
After reading it all over, praying about it, and talking it over together we said that we wanted our profile shown to this birthmother. This was the first time that we had ever said yes to any birthmother so we did not know what was going to happen. I remember for the next 5 days or so I could not get this little Georgia boy out of my mind. Names kept coming to mind and it was hard to get things done. What kind of father would I be? Would he love me? Would he bond with us? How would I support Sarah as a new mother? It was like we had taken a pregnancy test and were waiting for the results for the last 4 months. Knowing that the answer was coming but we did not know when. This is part 1 the rest of the story will continue later...
Monday, January 27, 2014
Our story
In December we were asked by The Micah Fund to share our story for their newsletter. We put something together and submitted it for their paper. This past week it was put out in their letter and it was really cool to see our story out in the public. At the beginning both Sarah and I had said that we wanted to help people if they had questions. We were willing to share what we went through and how we got there to those that might be searching for some answers or just needing someone to speak grace and hope into their situation like we had people do for us.
Last Friday we received an email telling us that someone had read our story and wanted to contact us to talk more about what we had went through and who we used. I can say that I was surprised and honored that God would let us be used to help another couple. For those that did not get a chance to read some of what we have went through you can read it here from a post when we were the Featured Family by GCAA.
https://www.facebook.com/GodsChildrenAdoptionAgencyInc
Go down till you see a funny looking guy with an awesome beard.
Our son is almost two years old now and I cannot imagine a better match that God had in place for us. I pray that our story can be used to help others that are in need. Life is tough and things do not always go the way that WE want them too. We have had people try and bring our spirit down and our experience down over the last three or so years. What I try and remember is that sometimes people say things in hurtful ways because they are in pain themselves. Our story is what we have experienced and dealt with what has God done for you?
Last Friday we received an email telling us that someone had read our story and wanted to contact us to talk more about what we had went through and who we used. I can say that I was surprised and honored that God would let us be used to help another couple. For those that did not get a chance to read some of what we have went through you can read it here from a post when we were the Featured Family by GCAA.
https://www.facebook.com/GodsChildrenAdoptionAgencyInc
Go down till you see a funny looking guy with an awesome beard.
Our son is almost two years old now and I cannot imagine a better match that God had in place for us. I pray that our story can be used to help others that are in need. Life is tough and things do not always go the way that WE want them too. We have had people try and bring our spirit down and our experience down over the last three or so years. What I try and remember is that sometimes people say things in hurtful ways because they are in pain themselves. Our story is what we have experienced and dealt with what has God done for you?
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